But, as everybody who hasn't been on Jupiter this last few months or who has an IQ higher than a rice cracker will have noticed, it's election time here in the United Kingdom.
And my God, I have already been torn on numerous occasions between wanting to throw things at the television, defacing the newspapers and vomiting into my mug of tea.
You see, all these stupid, empty promises that these party big wigs are bleating out like pathetic little children whining at their parents to let them have a go at pretending to be grown up and have responsibilities really are some of the most pathetic excuses I have ever heard for totally screwing up this country over the past two decades.
Labour - all these things you are promising now, WHY HAVEN'T YOU DONE ANY OF THEM DURING THE PAST TWELVE YEARS?
Conservatives - why didn't you put all these great ideas into practice WHEN YOU WERE IN POWER BEFORE LABOUR WON THE 1997 ELECTION?
Liberal Democrats - if you really want to be taken seriously, TRY AND ACTUALLY COME UP WITH POLICIES THAT THE MAJORITY OF THE PEOPLE OF GREAT BRITAIN WANT!
Anyway, the point of this blog entry, other than to rant, is to set down my own manifesto for getting the United Kingdom back on track and once more returning it to a great place to live.
But before I go into MY ideas for how things should be run if I was in charge, I will make the obligatory disclaimer: These views should be taken in the light-hearted context of dealing with annoyances in my own life. They are my own and do not in any way represent or suggest those of my employer, family or friends.
So, now that's out of the way, let's begin my list of what I would do if I was made Prime Minister to sort this ridiculously run country out.
In no particular order:
- Completely distance ourselves from the pathetic Human Rights Act or, at the very least, do what every single other country does and treat it with a huge pinch of salt, ensuring it is never used to make things better for all the scumbags who spend their lives making ours a misery. In short, every single criminal or yob, small or big time, does not have any human rights.
- Ban anything from the roads which is incapable of doing at least or is limited to less than 55mph between the hours of 7am and 9am and 4pm and 6pm. This includes, but is not limited to, tractors, HGVs, caravans, horseboxes, cars towing trailers and old people.
- Compulsory re-testing for every driver every 10 years after passing their test, with this increasing to every five years after the age of 65. I am sorry, but if you are incapable of signalling at roundabouts properly, parallel parking in less than 90 seconds, can hardly see over the steering wheel and are too frightened and nervous to do 60mph on a national speed limit road when there is excellent visibility and good, clear, bright conditions, then you should not be on the road.
- Legal immigrants who come here and work hard for a living should be treated with the same dignity as people born here. Illegal immigrants and failed asylum seekers should be sent back to their home country immediately following one appeal.
- If you are an immigrant, legal or otherwise, and you break the law, you will be deported. No excuses. If you come to live in Britain, you agree to live by our laws so do not insult us by disregarding them.
- The entire benefits system to be scrapped and overhauled with a new system something similar to the following: Job seekers allowance of £50 per week to be paid for the first six months, dropping to £25 a week for the following six months and then bugger all after that; disability/incapacity benefit to by physically assessed by specialist medical examiners every month - if you can walk, sit or type, then you can work; child benefit set at a flat £200 a month per child until they are two years old and out of nappies and £100 a month after that until they are 16 and should at least have a weekend job themselves; anyone who is on any kind of job seekers benefit to be banned from having luxuries such as Sky television, posh cars and the liberty of being able to whinge about their free house not being good enough.
- More prisons to be built and proper sentences introduced. Life means a minimum of 40 years, no chance of parole, and if you are in prison you get the basics of food, drink, the odd phonecall, a pack of playing cards and basic terrestrial television. No Sky television, XBox or day trips out to the seaside. If I can't afford to do or have any of that, why should I pay for you to have it?
- A law to make it illegal for Katie Price to be seen in public ever again. Any newspaper, television programme or magazine found to contain any mention or photographs of her or her stupid, pointless little life to be fined £1 million.
- Drink or drug drivers who kill someone with their vehicle to be charged with manslaughter. You knew what you were doing was putting other lives at risk so why should you be treated any differently?
- Every single fat cat banker in the country to be banned from having a bonus of any kind or a fat pension payoff when they screw up until they can prove they are capable of running our banks responsibly once more. If you work at a bank and earn more than £40,000 only to cock it up for the rest of us, why should you be rewarded for your efforts?
- Fuel companies to be banned from charging anything which would mean petrol and diesel goes above £1 a litre. You are greedy scumbags who make huge profits every single year so how DARE you take the p*ss out of us poor drivers like that?
- Abolish the so-called green tax on cars and instead fine the manufacturers if every single one of their cars doesn't meet the minimum eco-friendly emissions standards set. Force them to reduce the prices of their low-emission cars. Why should we have to pay more for the privilege of saving the planet?
- Until we have categoric proof in however many years that this planet is or is not getting hotter, ban anyone from publishing their so called 'findings'. It is just confusing and at the moment I don't believe anything any of them say!
- Make the phone companies to reduce their monthly tariffs for the iPhone. Seriously, the phone is great but it does not justify you charging double what another great phone on the same tariff would be.
- Pass a law making it illegal to be a chav. I'm sorry, but my whole life I have met one nice, funny, hard-working and lovable chav. And that is in almost 30 years. You are pointless and awful and you make the rest of our lives a misery by living off our taxes, racing your chav-mobiles with the deafening exhausts up and down the roads and gathering in packs outside Tesco, shouting and swearing like it is the most fun place to be in the world when I am trying to do my weekly shop.
- Make it easier to complain about misrepresentation in the media, the tabloid press in particular, and make the punishments more robust. Having experienced myself how those journalists simply make up a quote or suggestion before attributing it to "a source close to" yet knowing full well that anyone close to the subject knew whatever is was not to be true as a fact, they get away with far too much and it has to stop. A simple, sarcasm-laced admittance that they 'incorrectly stated' something is just not good enough.
- No allowances for MPs. They get a flat salary for their job, like anyone else, which would have to cover them for everything including travel, accommodation, food and anything else. We all have to live that way, why can't they?
- Drivers caught using their mobile phone without a hands free to lose their licence in the same way that drink drivers do.
- Free WiFi in all public places across the country.
- We will not get involved in wars over religion (which, let's face it, they all are) elsewhere in the world. If people in other countries want to kill themselves in the name of God, let them get on with it.
- First and foremost, make sure that Great Britain looks after its OWN people before it goes running off to help every other Tom, Dick and Harry on this planet. That is why the populations of everywhere else in Europe are so much happier with their lives than we are - they know their governments put THEM first, unlike ours.
The problem now is - what shall I called my political party?!
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